my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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