I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
