i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
