I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
