Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
