Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
