Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
