I just threw up on my dentist
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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