Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
