hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
