We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
