last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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