Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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