I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
