can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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