Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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