That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
