Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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