I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
