This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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