I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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