Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
