He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
