I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
