Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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