you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
