I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
