great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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