sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just google imaged poop.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
