Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
