Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
