i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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