I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
