70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
