A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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