I wanna passion pit in your ass
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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