But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
