You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
