Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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