the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
