you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
