M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
