I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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