I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
