I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
