did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
