his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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