i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
