boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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