why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
