If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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