There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
